A Note for Coping with Anxiety

It has been a few months since I have written, but not because I have abandoned this blog. I was having computer problems (solved by getting a lovely new laptop!), went on a month long business trip, and had a lot of other things going on. I’m hoping to get back into more of a schedule, as far as posting here goes.

Have you ever found yourself in a point where your anxiety was so bad that you became non-verbal, yet you absolutely had to run some errands and be able to communicate with people? That’s the situation that I found myself in, today. I want to share how I got through this, because it’s something I think would really help others!

I found myself out of anti-depressants, today. I’ve known all week that I was running low, but I’ve been having a very severe episode with my PTSD/anxiety/depression and couldn’t even leave the apartment for several days. I had a panic attack that lasted over an hour and a half, yesterday, and it left me so physically and emotionally spent that even a good night’s rest wasn’t enough. I am almost entirely non-verbal, today. It’s not that I can’t speak, physically. It’s not that I can’t put together my thoughts into a coherent sentence. I simply can’t make the words come out of my mouth. It takes more of an effort than I can produce, right now. Driving to the store and walking to the pharmacy, though? That’s fairly doable.

I put in my request to refill my prescription online and was trying to figure out how I was going to manage to go into the store to actually pick up the medication when I remembered a friend posting on Facebook about how he had needed to run errands on a day when he was non-verbal and wrote notes ahead of time to give the clerks, regarding what he needed. I decided to give it a try, myself.

I walked in and headed straight for the pharmacy, nodding a quick acknowledgment of the cashier’s greeting when I entered. The pharmacist met me with a smile and a “How can I help you?” I simply smiled in greeting and handed her my note. She continued to speak to me in a friendly tone, but immediately dispensed with any small talk that would require an answer from me. The one or two questions she had to ask about my prescription (“have you taken this before” and “do you have any questions about this medication?”) were easily answered with a nod of my head. Within a few moments, I was out the door, medication in hand and severe anxiety spike averted.

This isn’t something I intend to rely on every day, as I usually chose to push myself just a bit to not let my anxiety get the better of me. On days like today, though, where I have been non-functional for an entire week and am still struggling, this is a great option. I’ll definitely be adding this to my list of coping techniques for anxiety, and recommending it to my friends who also struggle!

 

 

Jessica Jones: an inspirational character

TW: sexual abuse, PTSD

Also, SPOILERS!

When I heard that Marvel was coming out with a new series on Netflix and that David Tennant would be in it, I was elated. Not only do I love Marvel, but I am also a huge David Tennant fangirl. I really liked Daredevil, so I had high hopes that Netflix would do a good job with this new series. I’m still a bit of a comic noob, so I wasn’t familiar with the storyline behind Jessica Jones.

When the time came for this new series to be released on Netflix, I was a bit busy and didn’t get to it in the first few days. Then I started seeing warnings on Twitter that, though good, this series could possibly be very triggering to anyone with a history of abuse/PTSD. This was during the time when I was having very serious issues with my own PTSD, although I hadn’t been diagnosed yet, so I decided it wasn’t wise for me to start the series, yet. Now that my new meds have taken effect and I am doing better than I was, I decided to try watching it and see if it was still too soon for me. My roommate and I watched it together, which helped.

To my surprise, instead of being triggered by this series, I was encouraged by it. Jessica faced some horrible, horrible things at the hands of Kilgrave, and her suffering often resonated with me. The long term effects of it were very obvious, and her PTSD symptoms were almost palpable to me, at times. Yet, through it all, Jessica showed incredible resilience and strength of mind and will. Yes, she obviously has some issues, which include her drinking habit, but she doesn’t let that stop her. She continues to live her life as best she can and she reaches out to others like Hope and Malcolm when they are affected by Kilgrave, as well. She goes so far above and beyond to try and help Hope. Are her ways of trying to help her always the best? No. But she does the best that she can.

Seeing how Kilgrave acted towards Jessica and others was also very illuminating, to me. His manipulation often gave me the chills. The way that he was so convinced that there was nothing wrong with what he had done and clearly believed his own justification was eerily familiar to me. The way that Jessica stood up to him and refused to let him gaslight her into thinking that his version of reality was the accurate one was amazing. It takes a lot of strength to stand up to someone like that and to refuse to allow them to change your perception. Not only did she refuse to allow him to change her perception, she also told him point blank that he raped her and refused to budge when he tried to convince her otherwise. She recognized how abusive and manipulative he was being when she stayed with him in her childhood home and she still set some boundaries with him and insisted that he honor them (not touching her, for example).

To me, Jessica developing a resistance to Kilgrave’s powers was symbolic of learning not to let the person/event that caused your trauma continue to control your life. She defied him openly on multiple occasions and refused to allow him to resume control over her, regardless of how much he got under her skin. I know it probably wasn’t meant to be symbolic by the writers, but to me, Jessica Jones will be a reminder of the fact that I can learn to live without letting my PTSD control my life.

I’m really looking forward to seeing how Jessica grows in the next season, now that Kilgrave is gone. I’m looking forward to seeing her work to help others, and hopefully start to heal from the pain and trauma that she went through.

While Jessica Jones is not a great role model, in terms of some bad decisions she makes in the course of the series, as well as her drinking habits, she’s still an inspiration to me and quite the bad ass, despite what she went through. I can’t wait to see the next season!

 

 

An update

It has been some time since I posted on here. I appreciate all of the encouragement and support that I have received, since then.

The med change that I went through was not well handled by my doctor and I ended up having some very serious side effects. Thankfully, I have adjusted to my new medication quite well and it seems to be working very well. The nightmares have mostly abated and I’m sleeping, again. Amazingly enough, I have more energy than I have in months. I hadn’t realized just how long my depression had been creeping back in and stealing my energy. I can finally get out of bed again in the mornings without having to fight to get up. It’s no longer so hard to go out and run errands and get things done around the apartment.

I am still struggling with learning to cope with the random triggers, but I know that isn’t something I will be able to do overnight. I’m slowly building up a repertoire of grounding exercises and techniques to help myself with the anxiety. I’m still afraid of how hard it will be to overcome this and how long it will take me to work through this. I’m no longer so afraid of the process and the struggle, though. I know that I have friends who will stand by me and support me as I work through these issues. It’s not going to be a quick or easy road, but it is one that I know I will be able to conquer.

Now that I am a bit more stable, I am looking forward to posting here more frequently. I already have a post scheduled for tomorrow, and hopefully I will be able to write more again, soon.

A New Diagnosis

I haven’t been around much for the last month, largely because I have been fighting to keep my head above water.

Let me make this story short. I hit a major trigger regarding the sexual abuse that took place when I was a kid. I started having flashbacks, anxiety, and nightmares, all of which just kept getting worse and worse. After I spent several hours, curled up in a ball on the couch and unable to move because my anxiety and distress were so severe, I called my therapist.

She confirmed what I had begun to suspect: I have PTSD. She couldn’t give me an official diagnosis, since therapists can’t diagnose. But we looked at the criteria for a diagnosis and I every last one of them, and exhibit all of the symptoms except one (outbursts of anger or irritability). At this point, my doctor has confirmed this and diagnosed me with PTSD. We’ve changed my antidepressant and I also have a med for my anxiety, now.

I have mixed feelings about my diagnosis. It’s a relief to know what is wrong. Being able to give a name to what I have been experiencing for the last year somehow makes it less scary. And now that we know what is wrong, we can start treating it. I can get better. I mean, I already lived through anorexia, which has the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses. If I can beat that, I can do this, too, right?

But I am also afraid. Terrified, really. My eating disorder swallowed up five years of my life. It came closer to claiming my life than I like to admit. I don’t know if I can go through that much of a struggle, again. What if this one actually does claim my life? I feel so very broken. And the worse the depression and the anxiety get, the harder it becomes to continue to eat. The eating disorder always starts whispering in my ear again when I’m already struggling. It’s so hard not to relapse, sometimes. If I do, I honestly don’t think I will have the strength to climb back out of that black pit a second time.

I’m afraid I’m going to lose my friends. I lost three with my eating disorder. Close friends. One of whom I had grown up with and who was like a sister. I don’t know if I can cope with losing any more to mental illness.

I’m afraid I’m going to hurt my family. I finally told my mother about the abuse and how bad my mental health is, right now. And I know it’s hurting her to see me hurting so much. She’s even helping me pay for therapy, which is good, since I can’t afford it. But that’s money out of her budget. And she already spent how many thousands of dollars on treatment for my eating disorder? It’s not right. It’s not fair to her. I wish I could just be a normal daughter.

I’m afraid I’m going to lose my job. I’ve already earned a verbal warning for “attendance issues” due to have to leave work a few times. A verbal warning doesn’t bear any consequences, but continued absences will. My manager is being as understanding as he can be, and I’ve even been approved to have some extra 5 minute breaks throughout the day to help with my anxiety. But it’s still a business. They can’t let me miss work constantly, not without FMLA. And I’m not eligible for that until March.

I know everyone will tell me it will be okay, I can get through this. But, right now, I’m so exhausted and depressed and afraid that I can barely move. And switching antidepressants is making it all worse. The mood swings in particular are killing me. I know this is necessary, and I know that I will start to feel better in a few weeks, but the transition between meds feels like a living hell.

I feel frightened. I feel alone. And I feel so very, very broken.